So there’s this thing called rejection. Every one experiences it at some point in their lives, and for the most part it sucks. A lot. More than a lot, actually. I read Heather B Armstrong’s blog Dooce.com and every single post I read lately I am so amazed by her strength and perseverance through some really tough times that (to me) would feel like rejection. Which, frankly, only makes me feel worse about my own situation. I’m fairly certain that I’m only dealing with perceived rejection, if I can’t handle this with her strength I’m ridiculously under-prepared for life.
I asked the facebook page I follow (and try to participate in as much as I can) about their coping mechanisms for perceived rejection. Honestly, Team Thrive made me feel way better about my level of preparation for this particular challenge. I am not even close to the only unprepared person when this hits. Mostly I wish it wasn’t so real in my head. I handle the psychotic episodes and the hallucinations a hell of a lot better than I handle the fear that I did something to make my best friend hate me.
So far I’ve decided that small amounts of medicine are worse for this than no medicine, which works because I’m super excited about this guys approach to medication where it is used as episode based, rather than prophylactic. But I digress, that isn’t the point today. The point is since I’ve moved no one asks me to help with anything, I’ve sent my best friend a facebook message, an email, and several texts and have heard nothing. This is my perceived rejection. I don’t belong. I’m terrified that I’ve done something awful to make my best friend angry, but I can’t ask because I can’t fix anything at this point. If I did something wrong it was probably something that happened while I was watching her son, talking to her family, talking to her husband’s family…at that point I’ve likely screwed up so bad it will take a number of months to even begin the healing process. I’ve decided to let that go until I hear from her. I sent her a book for her son, and would like to make her a “baby’s first year” scrapbook…but I need to talk to her for that so I know what she wants to include in it. I don’t want to buy a finished book on blurb that costs $80-$100 without consulting her first. The ignoring plan is going ok, though I spend probably 25% of my day still worrying about where I screwed up. Better than 100% I guess.
In the meantime I’m sitting on my butt with an entire summer off. No insurance because I can’t pay my portion of my insurance without any pay. We have 7 dollars to our name until Friday, then after will be the same because all the bills are past due. I’m waiting for the EEOC to get back to me about the formal complaint I lodged against my company for discrimination. The long term disability was appealed and sent to an independant something or other. Apparently they need until the end of July to decide if I should have been paid since May. The whole thing will be over soon. I have to start studying for my entrance proficiency tests for grad school, finish all the paperwork so I can get paid on time in August, then the beginning of August starts the next steps.
Life is travelling too fast and too slow all at the same time. I hope I get used to sleeping without Seroquel soon…