The last update was October. I’m seriously one of the laziest bloggers ever. Next semester I’m hoping to get on some sort of schedule with this because I’m drowning in self pity and sorrow. Mostly because I feel like there’s no one to talk to about really heavy stuff. I try not to put terrible things on the internet, but then I also realized that this blog was specifically meant as an outlet about my struggles with bipolar (what most people just call life) and the things I find that I want to keep handy.
Since October there have been so many ups and downs. So much failing at school it’s ridiculous, but that seems to be the norm in grad school. A passing grade in my inorganic class is a 50%. Passing in metabolism is going to be a 65%. I can’t tell if they’re grading at super high standards, or if I’ve gotten dumber as I continue through school. Either way I have had the distinct feeling of failure as the lower grades are acceptable. As it turns out I chose to take the wrong cume exams until the most recent and failed those too. As the semester comes to a close the school piece seems to be falling in place. The reduced expectations are becoming kind of a norm, and I did actually get a full pass on the very last cume of the semester. Thank goodness for an English test from Dr. Allen!
Of course, finals time always is my worst mentally. I looked like such crap on Friday that people actually started asking me if I’m ok. I usually try to avoid that, but I can’t wake up. Makeup holds no excitement or interest, even a shower seems like too much work. I’ve been losing whole chunks of time to who-knows-what. I have no idea what I did from 12:15 – 1:00 on Friday afternoon. All I know is I was 10 minutes late for proctoring a test when I thought I would have 10 minutes before the test even began to eat my sandwich. I was extra careful when grading yesterday because the students deserve fair and accurate grades, regardless of how I am behaving.
Along with losing hours of my day, hallucinations have rejoined my sensory experience in full force. I must say that I have not missed being spied on from windows or talked about by friends. Of course, none of those things actually happen, my brain just feels like its a good idea for me to experience them. The nice thing about it is my whole situation has changed. I know that the people I spend my days with don’t say the things I hear them saying. I’ve only known my new friends for a few short months, but they are kind, and for some reason don’t mind me being around. In fact, I even get invited places now. That by itself is kind of strange to me, but in a really fabulous way. We tweet each other, interact on Facebook, text, study, laugh. I feel home in my lab as well. I know my fellow lab people less, but I felt comfortable there right away and my adviser is aware of my struggles and says really kind things about my work ethic. I’m hoping with the close of finals my brain will take a break from treating me like an abusive significant other. I’m also hoping that given some time I will be more comfortable sharing the really shitty things that my brain does with my friends and coworkers.
Eventually I might even be able to believe that my husband doesn’t have too much on his plate, and rely on him as much as he would like as well. The worst feeling in the world is spreading someone else too thin when you’re already struggling to just survive.