School drives me more than a little crazy. Finals have been a problem for me since I started taking them in middle school. Even when I’m not actively enrolled and taking classes finals time makes me nuts. Every Christmas and every May I lose track of who I am, what I’m doing and, most of all, my sanity. Sometimes it’s better than others, but this year it has been a disaster. This semester is a perfect storm of crazy for me. For posterity, here is what cooperated to make me a puddle this year:
- I was off my medication in the beginning to protect Beastly from extra deformities
- My insurance is difficult to navigate, resulting in no psychiatric help until Christmas Eve.
- My previous insurance was cancelled by my job in June because I was unable to pay their high premiums. This was because I was fighting to get paid since they were trying to deny my long term disability. This resulted in no medication help all summer.
- I’m not at all comfortable in my home life. I still don’t know how to behave, or when I need to participate and when I should stay away.
- I moved to an entirely new location where I still feel like I know nothing around me, including where it’s safe to go when I really need an escape route.
- I am navigating a whole new school, complete with new disability services.
- New teachers, new friends, new everything.
- I’ve had my first experience with failure where I felt I was capable of doing better.
Honestly, this whole experience feels like it’s left me scarred. I know deep down that that’s not entirely true. I’m at the end of my rope, terrified of failure, and cleaning like a crazy person. Someone told me the other day that I was entering the “nesting” phase of Beastly’s arrival. I laughed because that’s not true. I clean when I’m neurotic. I clean when I’m stressed. I clean when I feel like I have too much on my plate. Why? Because I have complete control over the cleaning even when I don’t have control over anything else, including my brain. It’s the same reason I used to give myself for cutting. The thing about it is I don’t really have control. Not over the cleaning, and I didn’t have control over the cutting either. My brain makes me do it. It’s like a nervous tick. Today I am actually going to go to school to study so I stop cleaning so damn much.
Over break will be different. I’ll be nesting then, by choice not by neurosis. Mostly because I know next semester will be almost as bad as this one, and I want to not worry about Beastly’s arrival in the middle of it. As a result, the room and hallway will be clean, organization will be figured out, and when it gets messy I don’t have to think about it and Terry can put things back where they need to go.
I can’t wait for finals to be over.