Yesterday I wrote about how horrifying confrontation can be for me and how awful it was for me when my husband and his dad fought a few weeks ago. What I may have failed to mention is my tendency to get angry really quickly. I generally keep that anger in until I’m alone, a skill I have learned over time, then it explodes. Sometimes it explodes in a fit of cleaning, occasionally things get thrown around, usually I get really curt with my words and it becomes really hurtful. This is part of the reason for the Beastly Council, it gives my child adults other than their father and grandparents to reassure them that the problem is me. Most of the time the problem is directed towards my husband, and it is never as bad as it was with my ex.
Lately what has been making me really angry is baby stuff. We had the baby shower on Saturday and didn’t get any of the bigger things we needed except the playpen. I’m not disappointed because we received some amazing handmade gifts, tons of books like we requested, and lots of really thoughtful lovely notes. Plus, a lot of the larger things we have received second hand from family members. The problem happened when I was researching car seats and strollers. I couldn’t find a stroller for an infant that didn’t require a car seat. The car seats that fit in those strollers are only good until 30 lbs or 22 inches and cost something like $150 and up. My kid is likely going to fit in that car seat for all of 2 months, if I’m lucky, based on my 5’11” stature and my husbands height of 6’6″. Then, until they hit 40 lbs you have to buy another car seat that costs anywhere from $80-$300, the kids have to be in a booster seat now until 8 years old or 4’9″. By the time they hit 5 or 6 kids don’t want to be in the other car seat so you have to buy a $30 booster seat or deal with an angry kid every time they have to get in the car. I remembered to put down the computer before I started throwing things, but it is so difficult for me to control those angry flare ups.
I think these flare ups make it more difficult for me to handle other people’s anger because when I get angry enough things get thrown and I have been known to throw punches. It’s been a really long time, and for a while I substituted cutting for throwing things at other people. It’s a ridiculous way to live and it won’t help my child at all. I need to find a better outlet and learn how to step away before it gets to the breaking point, both for Beastly’s safety and their ability to be a well adjusted adult. Especially since in the end it worked out just fine and we won’t end up spending any money on the stroller or car seats anyway. Our nurse practitioner has a stroller/infant car seat combo she is letting us use, and a family member is letting us use the interim car seat from her son. While the car seats are important it’s really not worth the anger. Not only are there a ton of resources for used things with all the babies we are around, there are mom to mom sales every weekend from now until the end of time. Plus the thrift stores around here are amazing.
My little baby is going to be well cared for, neither my parents or my husbands are going to allow them to be put in any sort of danger. In the meantime I’m still looking for resources on how to handle emotions better, and plan to have some to share later in the week.