I’ve been bordering on depressed lately, being on bed rest to avoid pre-eclampsia is so boring. This morning I made a joke on Facebook and got snapped at in a comment, which did not help the depressed feeling at all. I deleted my joke and all prior comments and likes on the post because I have a bad habit of getting into arguments on facebook with that person, and now they have someone else to back them up that thinks exactly like they do. It’s not worth the fight, but it definitely makes me feel alone.
This afternoon, though, my mom called me and that was so helpful. I was actually bordering on afraid to talk to my mom, sometimes I get like that when I feel really alone. I can get super needy and call too much which can be stressful and difficult to deal with, so that is something I’ve been working on changing. The result often leads to me feeling like I have no one. I digress, the result of the conversation with my mom was feeling better. What I really love about my mom is she takes my faults for what they are and still loves me and helps me. I’m sure it’s taken 30 years of practice to handle the mess I can be sometimes, but she’s been there through everything. When I explained my fear of giving birth to Beastly is beginning to feel like the fear I had when I realized my anesthesiologist was male at 18 she knew what I meant. She was there and saw how I reacted. She also knows better than to try and explain things that are beyond my understanding. She told me today that there are things she can’t explain right now because I won’t understand until later.
Not long after that Debbie let me know Lisa got the Easter package sent to Madilyn and they were skypeing. I joined everyone downstairs and it was really fun to see my niece playing. Normally I feel really out of place during those sessions. There’s very little shared history, the traditions are different, the whole family structure is different from mine. The love is the same, but there’s a lot I don’t understand and have trouble adjusting to because my social skills are non-existent. Today I still didn’t say much, but I felt more like I belonged there. It’s hard for me to feel a part of my own family, trying to feel a part of a family that I’ve never grown up with is extremely difficult for me.
Today my mom described it as shyness, I think it may be a lack of trust in people. I’m constantly waiting to be hurt, waiting for that moment when people will let me down. Even though today started out bad, with me feeling depressed by avoiding a Facebook fight, it ended up being a really nice and inclusive holiday. People always think I’m strange because Good Friday is my favorite holiday, but to me the whole Easter Holy Week is about family. Today was a great Good Friday.
I love my family, all of my family, for being so kind with words and feelings. I love my mom for the way she treats me, and Debbie for sending Easter cards in the mail, even though she lives with us. I love both of them for being really sensitive about how difficult things can be for me. They both are so sweet with presents, not expensive things, but little things. Handmade cloth baby wipes, Cadbury eggs, my old outfit from my favorite baby pictures, a chocolate chip muffin…those things mean more to me than anything else.