My husband and I did some baby shopping on Saturday. I love going shopping with him, but we were up so early. Two Mom2Mom sales, a huge thrift store grand opening sale, a Menards grand opening sale and we were ready to head home by 11:30 am. Yes, that says AM. On the weekends we aren’t normally out of bed before noon, although that will be changing soon because he got hired as loss prevention at the Menards we went to and the baby will be here soon.
On the way home there was a massive accident that closed one whole side of the interstate we use. By the time we got to that part of our journey there were two lanes open so we were able to pass, but I wish we hadn’t. All of the cars were gone, but the medical examiner’s van was there and the cops were half-heartedly covering the body of a 22 year old man. I saw his body laying there, his shoes are burned in my brain at this point. When we passed we assumed it was a horrific accident and he had been ejected, which is sad but somehow easier for me to deal with than the truth. Later on the news announced that the man had jumped from the bridge onto the road below. Alcohol may have been involved. Two people were trying to talk him down and the police were already on their way when he jumped. He landed and was hit by a car driving down the interstate that did their best to avoid him.
In order to explain how much this affected me I have to back up a little bit to Thursday night. Terry and I went to do (what else) a little baby shopping. On the way out the door there was a heated conversation between him and his parents about how much of our tax money we would be able to give them. At this point we had no idea he got the job at Menards and we have quite a few little things to pick up still for Baby Beastly, plus Pan needed a tooth extracted in addition to all of the bills we will have to cover. He gets unemployment, but that just barely covers our bills with no extra. Usually those conversations happen without me in the house because they really seriously affect my mental health, and about two weeks ago we were told to keep all of our tax money so we could get everything we needed for baby. I guess the bills came with shut off notices, which is extremely hard for me to handle because I can’t process bills being late. It’s been a really long journey to getting my bills on time and currently I have a 100% on time payment record. Every time this conversation happens and I hear it (usually every few months) it’s panicked, in hushed tones, and angry. Really angry. Mostly because the bills are so expensive. What this leads to is me being afraid to shower, use the toilet, eat anything, get a glass of water, do laundry…all of those little things that if you don’t do them in the hospital you end up having to stay longer because you are unable to care for yourself.
Combine that angry conversation I overheard with the shoes I saw on the man who committed suicide, Sunday was really difficult. I couldn’t get his still body out of my head. Honestly, it will likely be months before I stop seeing it on a regular basis. I didn’t want to make my in-laws angry about the bills so I refused to use the bathroom. I had conversations with myself about how dangerous it would be for me to shower, even though it had been nearly 5 days since the last shower. I debated with myself about how much I should eat, and tried to think of alternatives for how I was going to wash Beastly’s things. Terry forced me to eat and my father in law told me that he could eat but I couldn’t. This is something he says a lot as a “joke” but it sounds serious to me every time. Immediately following I was informed by Terry that I needed to eat something and I snapped back “I said I’m fine, and your dad agrees with me.” That is the first time I’ve been that forward about my anger. It was 100% driven by that man and his shoes. I looked up the statistics on how many people commit suicide that way in my area. It’s a lot. Almost all are successful, not because of the fall, but because they are hit by cars driving 70+ miles an hour. It’s terrifying to me because now that will be in my head later when I’m not doing well again.
I’m working on processing all of this and improving my outlook. Terry told me yesterday to make sure I have the conversations I normally have with myself with him instead. It will take time and practice to be able to open up that way. I have 30 years of practice keeping that stuff in so people think I’m less crazy than I am, and it takes effort to remember there are people that won’t judge me. There’s other things I want to talk about this week too, namely tomorrow’s Anderson Live show that also made me very upset, but I will save that for later. For now I’m really focusing on having those internal conversations in an external forum with my husband. This is why support systems are so important.