Hatred as a spectator sport

I’ve never lived in an area like this. There’s a number of reasons why I don’t fit in where I’m at:

1) I’m lutheran, not only lutheran but ELCA lutheran.
2) I don’t have a large family in the area, and I did not grow up around a lot of family
3) I see things in black and white (no pun intended), but live in a head filled with shades of grey

Here’s the thing, I think I’ve talked before about how the area strikes me as very divided based on color, to me that’s ridiculous. In my head people are people and when you can’t see what I see it’s not worth talking to you. The same thing about sexual orientation, disability, and any number of other things. I like people based on them, not based on some external attribute or supposed bond. So, here is where I get into trouble with the first two problems:

There is a huge catholic community here, I do have friends that are catholic so I’m not judging individually, this is based on the general ideals of the church here that hurts my head. The church is afraid of change, afraid of different, and afraid of opening their doors to those that are different. This causes problems for discussion of race and sexual orientation for me. The church I found here embodies everything I love about the ELCA, everyone is allowed no matter what their affiliation. That is how I want my son raised, Terry says over and over the only thing that would disappoint him is if Edgar becomes a bigot. Why do people choose to follow a church system that excludes people? Why, when we have an opportunity to allow more people rights, do people choose to passively hate instead? The excuses for allowing hate are ridiculous, there are memes all over the internet to prove that. It hurts my heart.

The family thing is a side effect of the pain I feel about the passive hate on the large scale. I’m clearly not used to dealing with a lot of family. There’s this underscore of pessimism and dislike through every conversation, I’ve cried because of things people have said to me, I’ve been deliberately left off of family gifts, in my head this is normal. In my black and white world you’re either family or your not. With as much as everyone hates each other and is uncomfortable with each other I don’t see a place for people to love someone who isn’t blood related. I can’t figure out who we like and who we don’t or why. My head is shades of grey, but hatred is black and white for me. If you hate someone you don’t hang around them. You don’t talk to them or about them. Hatred is not passive in my world. It’s a yes or no and doesn’t change. When it happens the people are no longer included in your world. This to me is separate but equal. There is no room for that in politics, or in government, only in individual worlds. This hatred as a spectator sport is so foreign to me I can’t even begin to process. I love my family, they live really far away but I have fantastic memories and when I think of them, there is nothing but love. What benefit is there in passive hate, except slowly eating the insides of the person who harbors the emotion?

This summer I need to learn how to keep others passive hate from eating up my insides. I’m constantly feeling like I’ve screwed up because I invite the wrong people. When I’m thinking of what I want to do and who I want to do it with I’m judging myself based on others passive hate. The worst is the assumption that I am a victim of others passive hate when I’m not invited. It has to stop. I want so badly to return and succeed at school in the fall. This is going to do nothing but distract me from what I really need to focus on in order to accomplish that.

Psychiatrists

The thing about doctors is I don’t like them very much. When I took medical leave at school I dropped all of my classes which meant I lost my insurance and my job. I already didn’t like how the doctors treated me like I’m stupid, but at least the mental health doctors treated me with respect. Now I have medicaid and it is even worse. My primary care doctor treats me like I never finished middle school, I’m not sure if that’s because of the people he’s used to dealing with or if he really just dislikes the medicaid system. I was in the ER for 6 hours last Sunday for what seems to be a basic infection. Urgent care sent me, 1 hour of my time was waiting for the lab work to be completed, 3 hours was waiting for a specialist to come see me. In the end there was no resolution, I was given a prescription for medication and was told to follow up. Ridiculous.

That is one example of many where it’s easy for me to assume I’m being slighted by doctors, which makes the event of finding a great doctor even better. Last January after all the hospital mess I had a great psychiatrist. The medicaid meant that I could not be seen by that doctor at the office I was attending, but I could see him at an office 45 minutes away from my home. A lot of people around me think it’s ridiculous to go so far for a 5-10 minute appointment, for a great psychiatrist I disagree. There was a girl in the next curtained area who had deliberately taken an overdose of something. Her sisters brought her in, but didn’t want to stay. Her mother got there and the girl was distraught over the fact that no one really wanted her around. It was a reminder to me why it’s worth a 45 minute drive one way to see a doctor that is respectful and great. When I saw my doctor yesterday he remembered who I was, grinned at my son, asked where my husband was, and gave me a new medication to look up. This doctor treats me with intelligence, he trusts me to be included in my own treatment. I don’t get handed instructions, my husband and I are allowed to be partners with my psychiatrist. He is the expert, he gives an expert opinion and we are allowed to have an open and honest discussion about our concerns and other alternatives.

These last 6-8 weeks have been really rough. I’ve had auditory and visual hallucinations, I have had paranoid thoughts of people plotting to get rid of me, there has been a serious depressive cloud hanging over me regarding a lack of friends. I feel as though no one wants me around. I’ve had friends asking about how I care for my son and it feels judgey and cruel. I constantly feel the need to defend how I treat my son. Terry’s aunt hasn’t said a word to me since she posted about my son being at risk for SIDS on my Facebook. I shouldn’t care about any of that, my son is happy, healthy, and growing. His doctor (who has really crummy bedside manner) is brilliant and says he is right on track for his age. Honestly, the comment about SIDS risk frightened me so much that I called my best friend nearly in tears. I love my best friend because she reminded me that my son is my son and my husband and I know what is best for our family. Now if I could just remember that when I feel like we aren’t clipping my son’s fingernails often enough or my son is going to die because I allow him to sleep in his boppy for 30 minutes while I clean our bedroom. It would be even better if I could remember that people love me, even if they aren’t nearby and no one is plotting to put me in the hospital, simply to get rid of me.

I see my psychiatrist again in two weeks and I will soon be in with a therapist. My fingers are crossed for feeling better soon. Time to research some new treatment options my psychiatrist recommended yesterday.

Continuing struggles

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. There are a few reasons. First, there were some really amazing friends of ours that came to visit for a week. Second, Edgar has been requiring more of my time. Third, I have really been struggling emotionally. I’m not sure how to share what I’m feeling right now without frightening people. Mostly because I scare myself. The overwhelming feeling isn’t unhappiness, but loneliness. The hallucinations need to be reigned in again, there is a feeling of terror as I’m sure people are talking about me, plotting against me, attempting to deliberately leave me out of things. The worst part of that terror is the immediate correction where I remind myself that I am no where near important enough for anyone to plot against me, if anything they simply forget that I’m there. None of this is affecting Edgar, unless you count a really serious attachment to my newborn a substitute for feeling like I have no one. That might be unhealthy.

I’m coping the best way I know how, but what I really need is to get out of my head. There’s no way to do that when I spend all my days with a newborn, a dog, and two cats. The real trouble is the longer I spend inside my own head the harder it will be for me to share appropriately later. That’s a problem I’ll have to deal with when it happens I guess.