Continuing struggles

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. There are a few reasons. First, there were some really amazing friends of ours that came to visit for a week. Second, Edgar has been requiring more of my time. Third, I have really been struggling emotionally. I’m not sure how to share what I’m feeling right now without frightening people. Mostly because I scare myself. The overwhelming feeling isn’t unhappiness, but loneliness. The hallucinations need to be reigned in again, there is a feeling of terror as I’m sure people are talking about me, plotting against me, attempting to deliberately leave me out of things. The worst part of that terror is the immediate correction where I remind myself that I am no where near important enough for anyone to plot against me, if anything they simply forget that I’m there. None of this is affecting Edgar, unless you count a really serious attachment to my newborn a substitute for feeling like I have no one. That might be unhealthy.

I’m coping the best way I know how, but what I really need is to get out of my head. There’s no way to do that when I spend all my days with a newborn, a dog, and two cats. The real trouble is the longer I spend inside my own head the harder it will be for me to share appropriately later. That’s a problem I’ll have to deal with when it happens I guess.

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