Leaving it all out there

I haven’t written in over a month. Part of the reason is because I was super busy with Edgar and family things, but mostly it was because of something I was told. It took me a little time to work through my thoughts on why I put myself out there, why I’m so vocal about how much things can hurt. In July I was told there are things that shouldn’t be shared ever, that are so painful and so horrible they should be buried and never discussed. Honestly, this conversation has been coming back to me in pieces. My brain protects me from things that can be too painful, it erases them and returns them to me little bits at a time. I’ve had that happen to me my whole life, relying on others to fill in holes.

My first reaction to being told that it’s important to keep things to oneself was to shut down completely. Once I thought about what was said my next gut reaction was “what moronic situations did you put yourself in that you can’t tell anyone”. I felt bad about that reaction, but I’ve been so much of an open book my whole life that I can’t comprehend a situation that would need to be kept quiet. I can’t comprehend a situation or experience that I wouldn’t be able to help someone else by sharing. Being with my ex I was told regularly that I needed to be ashamed of myself. I wasn’t pretty enough, mental illness was something that required shame, the list goes on and on. I’ve learned a lot from that experience and I try to share those lessons with friends. On this blog I do pause before posting things, I like to have my thoughts in order before posting. It helps to make sure the words really mean what I want them to mean. In my personal life I’m much less careful. Being friends with me often means allowing the time for me to muck through the story. It can also mean having the patience for all those time I shove my foot in my mouth, have the wrong words, and am wildly inappropriate. At thirty years old I’m still learning how to behave in society. Sometimes I cry in public, sometimes I sound like a jackass on accident, I’m not perfect and I don’t really want to be. I guarantee I have more faults than positives in my eyes, but if I don’t put myself out there how will people know me? More than anything I don’t want to be fake, I want people to know who they are around and I want them to make an informed decision about friendship. The cost of a slip if I hide things is so much more painful than someone not being interested in the first place.

I won’t be taking the advice to keep me to myself. Kathie Lee Gifford said something on the Today show about keeping a tender heart but developing a tough skin, this is my new lesson. If people don’t want me in their life, regardless of who they are, I will learn to let it go and find someone who is interested in being in my life. I have had the pleasure of meeting so many people that I love so much, family sometimes isn’t related to you, they chose you instead. Those that choose me are the ones I want.

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