One of the most difficult lessons for me to learn is not everything has to do with me. While asking for some advice one of the ladies mentioned what happened was petty. I realized as I responded the action was based in jealousy and it’s cause predates me. I have a really hard time relating to people; every time something goes wrong, every time someone isn’t happy, it is my fault. My whole life when a teacher gave constructive criticism, when a friend was angry, when an acquaintance was in a bad mood, my brain told me I was the cause. It was always about me and what I did to cause those emotions and pain. Not surprisingly the reverse never occurred to me, when something positive happened with the same people it was never “my fault”. I was always making amends for the times I had screwed up and put someone in a bad mood. “It has nothing to do with you” was my mother’s mantra I heard as “you aren’t important enough for this to be about you”.
The jealousy that caused me so much heartache over the last few years doesn’t have anything to do with me. I consistently have tried to prove myself; prove my worthiness of their friendship, prove that I deserve to be in their life. As the conversation from a few weeks ago continues to return in pieces I remember Terry saying their desire to have me in their life was a lie. I’ve never been given a real chance, the effort to include me has been, at best, superficial. The truth is I don’t really care to be in their life. What I recognized the other day is the superficial effort stems from a desire to hurt someone else entirely, I am an innocent bystander. They deliberately put me down and spread false information because they are jealous of someone else entirely and that isn’t fair.
After I recognized the pain was meant for someone else it felt like the world’s weight was taken from me. I still feel a residual need to be better than them, but I’ve always been competitive with strange and ridiculous things. The biggest change over the last few days is a lack of anger; it’s being slowly replaced with pity. Pity for their need to lie, for their need to hurt people, for their need to create anger where there should be joy. It will take some practice but I have a new resolve to no longer feel that hurt or have my joy stripped from me.