This post is a bad idea

These days what keeps me alive is the knowledge my son can’t be left alone during the day. Once my husband comes home he doesn’t allow for those thoughts to continue so I stay free until my dreams. There has been a lot of to do lately over my decision to not feel awful when I go on Facebook. I would say feelings were hurt, but it feels more like they know they are better than me and miss the opportunities to revel in that feeling. I used to tell myself that being paranoid was a silly thing my brain encouraged. Why would anyone bother themselves with talking about me? I’m nowhere near that important. Now I know it wasn’t silly. There are actually people that feel I’m worth enough to keep down in this hole I’ve dug. My damaged brain feels justified and keeps growing with hatred for how I treat people. In July I was told it is my actions that are ripping apart families. In the last few weeks I’ve learned this is true. Many months ago my husband told me my child does need me, the more my brain ruminates on recent events the more I believe he is lying. Who could possibly need someone that treats people the way I treat them?

A few months ago I lost a classmate. In the wake of that tragedy my brain will not release the thought that it should have been me. The cause was something so simple that it could have easily been me. There will be a number of consequences as a result his death, if what I heard is true. There will be warnings, constant reminders of what happened. There will be snap judgments made by people that don’t know a damn thing.

I don’t have a clear train of thought, beyond that the only people who care are the ones that enjoy knowing they’re better than me. It’s nice to know where I stand at least, and my brain loves the continuous flow of degrading thoughts that are now impossible to stop. So there’s that.

 

Social Media

Not that it much matters, but I remove people from my social media for three reasons. 1) they make me feel bad 2) I make them feel bad 3) they never post and I’ll hear about them anyway. It has very little to do with whether or not I like someone or if I want to keep in touch with someone. Right now I’d just like to stop wishing for some sort of accident to protect others from my continued existence, and that’s a really shitty place to be on social media. Especially when i’m constantly encountering my #1 and #2 reasons for removing people. For me Facebook is a place to keep in touch with people I rarely see so I can rejoice in their lives, I want to keep that a happy thing. I’ve been in a lot of pain for a while and I have that piece under control on my own, there is no need to add to the dung heap.

As silly as it sounds I really love hearing about what you eat, how your families are growing, the weddings you are in and plan, how far you’ve run, what memes you enjoy, and whatever else you want to share. Your triumphs make me happy. There have been studies that have shown social media makes people unhappy because they are comparing the humdrum of their lives to the best possible image of others. For me it is completely the opposite. Thank you, friends, for helping to lift the sadness for the time I spend on social media.

I don’t know what my Facebook looks like, but it is getting harder for me to reach out. The more time goes by the worse I feel and the more convinced I am that if I were to simply disappear life would be better for everyone around me. I contemplated losing the social media completely, but then I would lose the ray of sunshine from my friends list.