Every year I start with this idealistic view of new beginnings. I will write blog posts every day, I will check Twitter for inspiration and content, I will be sane enough to help people through my writing…This year that all went to shit before I even began.
In October my medicine got changed from Seroquel to Seroquel XR, which was a life changing event for me. I can eat gluten again, my sleep schedule is much less dictated by my medicine, I feel more alive, more human than I have in years. So many years ago standard Seroquel changed my life in the exact same way, I had no idea life could be better. It was almost like when my husband went from standard hearing aids to his BAHA implant, completely a game changer. Except (I hate that word, it always means something bad is coming) Seroquel XR is not scheduled to become generic until May, thanks to the legal battle fought in 2012. The insurance filled the first month as a “courtesy” then denied additional refills, forcing me to be off medications for more than a month. The whole system is fucked up, I knew that. What always gets me is I have experience navigating the system. I get frustrated and want to give up, but what do people do that have no experience or legitimately cannot function enough to fight back? Blows my mind that we make such a big deal of gun safety and mental health is mentioned EVERY SINGLE TIME a mass shooting happens and someone like me still has to fight to get the medications that keep me from being looney toons. Ugh.
So anyway, I finally got my meds back in December. I was off of work for 12 days on vacation. Life was busy with Mixing Spirits, really it still is but hopefully that’s getting under control now. We got so slammed over the holidays. Completely blind-sided by how popular our products were. Now we are fighting to stay above water as frustrated customers want to know when their glasses are shipping. We’re almost to the end, but it’s been a really rough few weeks. I’ve been trying to help, but answering frustrated customers when you’re collapsing into a little ball of hatred in your head is a really terrible idea.
Speaking of that little ball of hatred…I forgot how much that place blows. It’s been happening for a while, that voice that says I need to push harder. I’m not doing enough, I’m not helping enough, I’m not good enough. It starts at work so I push harder. This time it happened at work and at Mixing Spirits. I pushed harder, I worked until I wanted to die. Which is ultimately where that leads. It’s been a long time since I’ve had legitimate end game plans. That also is much worse than I remember. I rewatched part of Elizabethtown. (“I’ve been the substitute person my whole life”) The more you want to see yourself as the third wheel the easier it becomes reality.
I have a really hard time understanding why people want to be around me. I always feel like I’m too serious to have fun or be silly, like an anchor that weighs the whole experience down. At work I feel like I’m not smart enough; unworthy of my position. I don’t ask enough questions to really get to know someone, but when I do I’m too nosy. I’m going to work on being nosy again. Last night was excellent, I got to spend one on one time with one of my favorite people in the whole world. That one on one time has catapulted me from the black hole I was entering into the living world. Thank goodness. I can’t even begin to describe how horrible that black hole felt after so many years of being away. I hope I can get out of it’s reach entirely this time.