When I read this article on The Mighty this morning it really struck a chord with me. After my horrific experience being engaged to my ex-boyfriend I had a long list of needs my new significant other had to fulfill. Since my previous engagement ended I have never been afraid to come right out and tell someone that I’m bat-shit crazy, it may have been one of the first things I told my husband after letting him know how much I loved Sweeny Todd. I’ve long thought if you can’t handle my shit I don’t want you around. I thought the same thing when I “lost” a job opportunity over a piercing last year, if you don’t want me unedited you don’t want me at all. I now have a great job, work with amazing people, am learning so much, and you know what? If I have a really shitty time like I did last week that’s allowed. I don’t have to tell them anything I don’t want to, no one tried to make it better, I just got to be me. Everyone should be allowed to be their own true self in their whole world, not just in part of it. I will probably always call in with some sort of physical ailment when I mentally can’t handle the weight of my pain, but that’s my choice. If I chose to tell the truth the result would be the same level of support and caring, and I get to be my authentic self. I may get there some day.
This list is my version of the “Dear Future Boyfriend” for the man who loves Sweeny Todd, Monty Python, random road trips, and being completely ridiculous just as much as I do.
1. You know when I’m struggling before I do, and instead of “fixing” me you wait for me to figure out what’s wrong. There is no level of “fixing” from another person that is more valuable than learning to take care of myself.
2. You put up with more than any other human should, and yet you continue to let me be my authentic self. You know how to take those psycho moments and turn me back into the person I want to be.
3. My dreams are beyond awful. If there are seven levels of hell each dream takes me to the deepest depths. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t slept in months. You hold me, stroke my hair, and remind me that I’m loved, all the while reminding me I don’t belong in the depths of hell.
4. Thank you for telling me when I hurt your feelings. Trusting others is not easy for me, knowing you will let me know when I screw up makes me trust you more than I thought possible.
5. You’ve never once looked at me with anything other than love and compassion. I look into your eyes and I can see the hurt my brain causes, but more than that I can see your love and that does more for me than you will ever realize.
6. When it’s really difficult for me to see your life as anything but better when I’m gone, you help remind me that I’m wrong. Always so matter-of-fact, never betraying the sadness you say you feel. It’s taken a long time to figure out how to handle each episode and even with my brain creating problems you still manage to come out on top.
7. Thank you for reminding me to do things I love. Life gets in my way more often than I like to admit and every time you remind me to slow down and just do things I love.
8. You are my rock, without that I would not be the person I am today. I would still be floating around, angry with the world, depressed that I screwed up so much in the past I was stuck with this lot in life. You challenge me, making me want to be better, because of you I know I am good enough. That this life isn’t punishment, but a journey I’m on because it gives me strength and compassion.
I love you.